Patients Say the Funniest Things!

Here are a couple of excerpts from conversations with real patients. One never knows what a patient will say or do for that matter.

A few years back, I spent several weeks getting a patient to 20/20 with her contact lenses. She was your typical over forty patient who could not see up close. On top of that she had a lot of astigmatism. And she wanted to see like a twenty year old again. This type of patient can be tough to get fit in contact lenses if not impossible. After several weeks of trying different contacts, I finally got her fit into lenses that made her what we in the business call 20/happy. At the end of the check up I said, "You've certainly not been easy." She responded, "Well, I know a few guys who will disagree with you on that front."

Recently, I walked into the exam room and a patient told me how she was seeing little black things in her vision. She said the black spots were constant and were shaped like little spermatozoa. I said, "We are going to have to dilate you and take a look at your eyes. This could be a problem. I don't want you seeing those types of things in your eyes." She responded, "At least not this weekend, my husband is out of town."

Here is another one. "Mrs. Smith, your son has a chlamydial infection in his eyes. This is a sexually transmitted disease. We are going to have to treat his eyes and have him see his primary care doctor for testing." Mrs. Smith then responds, "Doctor, junior is a roofer. He has been up on those hot roofs all summer. Do you think that has caused this infection?"

Do men get PMS? Pre-man-strual Syndrome!

Today, I submit to you that all men get PMS. Before all my male friends bombard me with emails and comments, please hear me out. It's not the same PMS that our female counterparts experience on a monthly basis. It's our own type of moodiness centered around other areas of life. It's that moodiness that flares up when it is raining on a perfectly good fishing day. It's the cramps that come from being out on the golf course while our lady is at home all teed off that we are spending 4 hours out of our day chasing a little white ball. Instead of a craving for chocolate, it's a craving for a beer with the guys. Come on men, you know that feeling. Don't deny it. Admit it! It's male PMS. Premanstrual Syndrome! The only problem is this condition can not be cured by a pamprin with a midol chaser. It can only be cured by a little guy time on the river, lake, or golf course. It can even be cured with a little guy time at the local bar. Embrace it men. It's your first step to a cure.

A Cure for Hormonal Teenagers!

Lately, I have been thinking about the best way to silence a screaming hormonal teenager. I have been trying to think of something humane and effective. I think I have the right solution. A tranquilizer gun. Yeah, you heard me. Just like the one's used in Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom was the first true reality television. Today, I can imagine Marlin Perkins's saying "Watch Jim as he silently approaches the raging, hormonal teen. Jim assumes his position around the corner from the teen and sits quietly at the edge of the kitchen. Jim takes aim, carefully observing the wild, screaming, teenager. BANG! The teenager goes down and the kitchen falls silent. Remember, ladies and gentlemen, the animal is just tranquilized. While he or she may seem to be dead, the teen is just sleeping. Jim invites the parents to sit down and join him for a quiet evening at home. But they have to hurry because the tranquilizer will be wearing off soon and the raging teen will awaken.

"Thank You" for your "Thank You"

We love to say thank you. Over the years, we have been taught that a thank note, card, or gift is the proper way to acknowledge what someone has done for you. Why is it though, that many of us like my dear wife feel as though we have to send a "Thank You" for the "Thank You". Does this not create an atmosphere where one feels like he or she needs to send a "Thank You" for the "Thank You" for the "Thank You"? Get my drift?

Where does it end? Life is all about giving and receiving. Receiving without feeling the need to reciprocate every gift in life is as much about generosity as the giving of the gift itself.

25 Random Things about Me from Facebook

I thought this was kind of silly at first. On facebook, people post 25 things about them and tag 24 other people to share the same with them. After reading about friends, the idea became more interesting. As I pondered my 25 Random Things it was somewhat therapeutic to examine myself. I recommend that everyone sit down and do this. It might just make you laugh and it might make you cry. Good therapy nonetheless.

1. A 97 year old patient once told me that the secret to a long life is "Good Whiskey & Good Women". I think I will take my chances with "Good Wine & One Good Woman".

2. Life is more about what one does than what one says, even though I tend to say way too much.

3. I believe that real men don't wear crocs.

4. Call me old fashioned but I still think nothing is more classy than a man in a nice suit with his lady in a smoking hot dress.

5. I enjoy cooking and grilling, my brother calls me Bobby Filet.

6. I believe the more a man does around the house, the higher the woman raises the bar! Tomorrow I resolve to start doing nothing. That bar needs to be lowered again.

7. My identical twin and I split our brain matter when the egg split. We are really not all that smart, we are just overachievers for the IQ that we have.

8. I believe that when most of us get to the end, we will regret what we did not do rather than what we did in life.

9. I find flyfishing for trout to be much more relaxing than hunting for my golf ball way out at the ladies' tee these days.

10. I believe when placed in a room full of 5 hardcore conservatives and 5 hardcore liberals, that even I could build some conscensus. Now why can't the elected officials in Washington, D.C. do the same?

11. I once wore a speedo on the beach at Gulf Shores to win a bet with my wife!

12. I won the Mr. Middle Tennesse Bodybuilding Competition in the "Over 40" category. OK, I made that one up but the speedo story is true.

13. My lucky number is 13.

14. I hate runners who talk about all their endorphins and the Runner's High they get when running. All I get is shin splints, arch pains, and out of breath.

15. There are only a few things that taste better than a glass of good wine, except maybe that second glass.

16. If you can't say something good, then don't lie!

17. I have a 16 year old son and a 13 year old daughter who drive me crazy...in a good way!

18. I can not stand bagpipes and men in kilts. Only women should wear dresses. I have a friend that says the only good sound a bagpipe makes is when it hits the accordian at the bottom of the dumpster.

19. For all you theologians out there, I believe that God chose you before you chose Him so get out of here with your alter calls, sinner's prayers and semi-pelagianism. Love God and live life as a response to Him choosing you and not out of fear that you are not going to heaven!

20. In warm weather, you can find me on my screened backporch, sitting on the swing, and hanging out with my family and friends.

21. I would rather have dinner at my home with 4-5 couples and 8-12 children than go to a nice restaurant with only a few people.

22. I hate cold weather and I love the beach in LA! (Lower Alabama)

23. I am color blind as is around 10% of all males on the planet.

24. My wife is full blooded Italian (maiden name Palazola) and Roman Catholic. Her grandparents on both sides came from Italy. How did she end up with a Heinz 57 like me?

25. I have been married to my crazy Italian wife for almost 19 years and I love her more everyday.

Even Jesus Needed a Doctor's Change!

Have you ever been to your optometrist, get your glasses or contacts and not be able to see like you thought you should out of them? In the world of optometry, we call these "Doctor Changes". Somewhere during the exam or the fitting something went wrong. The patient responses may have been fluctuating, the measurement may have been off by a fraction, or the doctor may have given the patient too much or too little power in the prescription. The patient returns and wonders why he or she can not see. Sometimes these patients are very nice about their situation and other times they can be quite angry.

I am writing today in defense of your doctor. In the Bible, one can look to Mark and see just how hard it is to be an optometrist. Jesus was in Bethsaida and they brought a blind man to him. He took the blind man and puts saliva on his eyes and laid his hands on him. Jesus then asked the man, "Can you see anything?" The man looked up and said, "I can see people, but they look like trees, walking." Then Jesus laid hands on his eyes again and restored his sight because for some reason something did not turn out right with Jesus' first treatment. It even took Jesus, a second try to get this man to see.

I do think I am a pretty good doctor, but I can tell you I am nothing like Jesus. And what about his treatment? Plain ole spit in the eyes! I think I will give that a try at the office tomorrow. The fact that we have stories of Jesus healing all kinds of ailments and never needing a second try except here, in and of itself, points to how hard my job can be. Even Jesus needed a "Doctor's Change."

Which is better #1 or #2?

I spend most days at work asking, "Which is better #1 or #2?" I know that it sounds boring to most. In reality, it is a wonderful career. I get to help people see. Nothing is better than hearing a young child put on glasses and say "I can see leaves on the trees now." or "Wow, I see the snowflakes!"

Everyone views life through their own set of lenses. Every now and then something happens that will change how one sees the world. This change may be initiated by a personal event, like marriage, the birth of a child, an illness, or even death. For others it might be war or political events that change this worldview. This change in vision can be a positive force in the world as well as negative.

There have been times in life when being second or even last has shaped what happened next. There have been other times when being first is the defining moment and nothing can top it. As for "Which is better #1 or #2? My simple answer is, "It depends." You say, "It depends on what?" That is when I say "It all really depends on what you are looking for!"

Happy Birthday Bubba!

For most of my life, I have been known as a "Collins Twin." I suspect it was easier to call us the Collins twins than attempting to tell us apart. When we were very young, my father called me "Gee Gair" and called my twin "Bubba". Back in those days my twin could not say "Gee Gair" so he called my "Gay Gay". I am kind of glad that name did not stick. Later, we became twin 1 and twin 2. Twin 1 (me) had one set of eyes and twin 2 (Jerry) had two sets of eyes since he wore glasses and I did not.

As young children, twins share almost almost everything from clothes to toys. One develops an incredible sense of fairness and equality. It is also a very unique situation when your brother and your best friend are all wrapped up into one. On the downside, one develops a little bit of codependency. In our case, as with many twins, our parents had the schools place us in separate classes so we could establish our own identities. As we got older, especially in college, we found that having classes together became more of a positive. If one of missed class or zoned out, then the other one had the notes.

Sibling rivalry has always existed to varying degrees. I think it drives twins to some extent. It can certainly teach one about winning and sometimes a whole lot about losing like the time I finished runner up to my brother for a scholarship. Today, that rivalry is limited to our fishing trips. By the way, I always win at fishing.

Today, the Collins twins hit the big 45. I have to add that I hit 45 nine minutes before him, but who is counting. So, I close with Happy Birthday Twin 2 except I can't say that because we both have two sets of eyes today. Well how about something more appropriate, Happy Birthday Bubba!

Happy Birthday Elvis-Wherever You Are!

Today is the birthday of the man who transformed my concert expectations, Elvis Presley. When I was in the fourth grade, my mother took me and my twin to the Mid South Coliseum in Memphis, Tennessee to see the King. Over the years, I have had the opportunity to see many concerts and musical performances but I can say that, to this day, Elvis put on the best concert I have ever seen. Elvis was not necessarily a role model in his life but he transformed music around the world. No concert since that day has ever compared to the performance which Elvis gave the crowd. So today I remember Elvis' birthday and say thanks for the concert of a lifetime!

Teenagers-arghh!

It's official, my youngest has reached the teenage years. I am not sure whether to celebrate or cry. I wish I could find that manual on raising teens! I thought I would share a few quotes I have run across.

Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years. ~Author Unknown

There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate. ~Author Unknown

The main problem with teenagers is that they are just like their parents were at their age. ~Author Unknown

To an adolescent, there is nothing more embarrassing than a parent. Dave Barry

Pray for me please!

(That last one is my quote by the way.)