Friends Are Like A Savings Account

One of my college roommates, Craig Willingham, always said his father had a saying about friends. He said, "Friends are like a savings account. You never know when you will need them or if you ever will, but they will be there when you do." I think Mr. Willingham was on to something.

When did the word "Partner" become "Gay"?

A few years ago I told a patient that my partner was excellent at fitting gas permeable lenses. The patient finished his exam with me a proceeded to our optical dispensary to look at glasses. While looking at our frames, he made this comment to my technician, "I did not know Dr. Collins was progressive." My technician asked, "Progressive? He answered, "You know, gay. Dr. Collins said he had a partner and I did not know that he was gay."

Now, I confess that I have been in a committed partnership for over 16 years. A BUSINESS partnership that is. I have been married to my wife for almost 19 years. All this makes me wonder, when did the word "partner" become "gay"?

Patients Say the Funniest Things!

Here are a couple of excerpts from conversations with real patients. One never knows what a patient will say or do for that matter.

A few years back, I spent several weeks getting a patient to 20/20 with her contact lenses. She was your typical over forty patient who could not see up close. On top of that she had a lot of astigmatism. And she wanted to see like a twenty year old again. This type of patient can be tough to get fit in contact lenses if not impossible. After several weeks of trying different contacts, I finally got her fit into lenses that made her what we in the business call 20/happy. At the end of the check up I said, "You've certainly not been easy." She responded, "Well, I know a few guys who will disagree with you on that front."

Recently, I walked into the exam room and a patient told me how she was seeing little black things in her vision. She said the black spots were constant and were shaped like little spermatozoa. I said, "We are going to have to dilate you and take a look at your eyes. This could be a problem. I don't want you seeing those types of things in your eyes." She responded, "At least not this weekend, my husband is out of town."

Here is another one. "Mrs. Smith, your son has a chlamydial infection in his eyes. This is a sexually transmitted disease. We are going to have to treat his eyes and have him see his primary care doctor for testing." Mrs. Smith then responds, "Doctor, junior is a roofer. He has been up on those hot roofs all summer. Do you think that has caused this infection?"

Do men get PMS? Pre-man-strual Syndrome!

Today, I submit to you that all men get PMS. Before all my male friends bombard me with emails and comments, please hear me out. It's not the same PMS that our female counterparts experience on a monthly basis. It's our own type of moodiness centered around other areas of life. It's that moodiness that flares up when it is raining on a perfectly good fishing day. It's the cramps that come from being out on the golf course while our lady is at home all teed off that we are spending 4 hours out of our day chasing a little white ball. Instead of a craving for chocolate, it's a craving for a beer with the guys. Come on men, you know that feeling. Don't deny it. Admit it! It's male PMS. Premanstrual Syndrome! The only problem is this condition can not be cured by a pamprin with a midol chaser. It can only be cured by a little guy time on the river, lake, or golf course. It can even be cured with a little guy time at the local bar. Embrace it men. It's your first step to a cure.

A Cure for Hormonal Teenagers!

Lately, I have been thinking about the best way to silence a screaming hormonal teenager. I have been trying to think of something humane and effective. I think I have the right solution. A tranquilizer gun. Yeah, you heard me. Just like the one's used in Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom was the first true reality television. Today, I can imagine Marlin Perkins's saying "Watch Jim as he silently approaches the raging, hormonal teen. Jim assumes his position around the corner from the teen and sits quietly at the edge of the kitchen. Jim takes aim, carefully observing the wild, screaming, teenager. BANG! The teenager goes down and the kitchen falls silent. Remember, ladies and gentlemen, the animal is just tranquilized. While he or she may seem to be dead, the teen is just sleeping. Jim invites the parents to sit down and join him for a quiet evening at home. But they have to hurry because the tranquilizer will be wearing off soon and the raging teen will awaken.

"Thank You" for your "Thank You"

We love to say thank you. Over the years, we have been taught that a thank note, card, or gift is the proper way to acknowledge what someone has done for you. Why is it though, that many of us like my dear wife feel as though we have to send a "Thank You" for the "Thank You". Does this not create an atmosphere where one feels like he or she needs to send a "Thank You" for the "Thank You" for the "Thank You"? Get my drift?

Where does it end? Life is all about giving and receiving. Receiving without feeling the need to reciprocate every gift in life is as much about generosity as the giving of the gift itself.